Finding My Voice In the Midst of Uncertainty and Embracing Badass Acts of Rebellion

It seems that a lot of us find ourselves taking in too many toxic spoonfuls of digital content.

Consuming without digesting, binging until we are blind and dizzy, especially when there's a learning curve. This can be very unhealthy and can leave us wrecked. 

I'm working my way towards a long term break from the interwebs. It's long overdue, for I am weary and weepy, and in need of some silence from all the noise, in order to process. 

For the good majority of my time here on this earth, there was so much noise in my own head and life that I couldn't see straight. I could not differentiate, or see my own mess, I couldn't advocate for myself, much less articulate or communicate, some days I couldn't even get out of bed. 

My life was falling apart around me even while I was healing, because I was bypassing the truth and going around it instead of through it. The anxiety and depression were deep and crippling, and did a lot of damage. Relationships fell apart, and people who I loved deeply gave up on me because I couldn't even tell them what was happening to me. 

Taking care of my mental health in a formal recognized way was long overdue. So last year, after over 20 years of trying to be strong, and do it myself, I found an amazing counselor, and started talk therapy. In addition to this I am extremely blessed, and very grateful to have a network of love, support, and help from my chosen tribe. 

Without recognizing the need to get help with my mental health, I would not have been able to turn down the noise enough. I have learned to put up boundaries, to articulately communicate, to advocate for myself, all in a non-violent method. The noise was too much and would have gotten even louder if I had not sought help. 

This was not without a lot of encouragement from someone I love deeply, pointing it out to me many times. It's painfully obvious to me now what I was doing, but then, it was just part of the noise. The noise is just a whisper most days now, but the aftermath still remains within my new beginnings. 

And my new beginnings really started to come into full fruition at the start of 2020. And we all know how that's been going. For me, this year it got a bit noisier and a little worse, but at the bottom of that, I found my voice, my truest self. The girl who stood up against injustice. She is now a strong and capable woman, but still a bit scared. She's learning, and eager for a break to dive in and digest it all. To clean up the aftermath of her past lives and move forward into something meaningful that makes a difference. This of course means digging even deeper, even more therapy, and a lot more really hard work, both mentally and physically.

2020 has been overwhelming to say the least. A shift into a scary uncertainty that has given many of us unrest and put us on edge. It's the perfect storm for fueling so much anger. All feelings are valid and we should become aware of them and look within to ask ourselves what they are, name them, then question the why behind them. Then if you are able, work to change those reactions, and turn it into thoughtful action to help change our world for the better. 

Are you slowing down enough to process what you are taking in, so that your brain, and spirit can catch up?

Compare digital consumption to food intake; how much is too much until it hurts your body? Would you have lowered immunity, be full of aches and pains, possibly be dehydrated, bloated with indigestion and inflammation, or even tumors, maybe having increased blood sugar, hypertension, or clogged arteries. Is it weighing you down? Similar damage can happen to our minds and spirits too, which is harmful for our mental health. 

Consider the trauma of eating for hours every day, taking in everything in site without taking a break. What are the consequences to our bodies? In what condition would it leave us? Just like the body, our psyche needs time to chew, to digest, to recognize what we are feeling, to heal, to rest, and replenish. 

A lot of what's available to us on the internet is just junk food that we are being spoon fed until we can't move. That's a toxic heaviness that no one should have to bear.

Quality of content: fast food vs whole foods. More nutrition less junk. It's that valuable lesson of learning to chew your food. We are churning around in the algorithm cesspool without making real human connections, and at the same time becoming disconnected from ourselves. 

Is it important that we keep learning? Yes.

Have good things come out of this year? Yes

Are there actually peaceful responsible people demonstrating for change? Yes.

Have the constitutional rights of peaceful demonstrators, and their helpers like journalists, and health aids been violated? Yes.

Have some people broken the law with violence and vandalism? Yes

Are there good police officers who truly help and want change? Yes. 

Are there corrupt police who have violated our rights up to and including murder? Yes

We are having knee jerk reactions without thoughts. Reposting and sharing without fact checking. As a whole our country is a toddler, and we are having temper tantrums and major growing pains right now. 

We are exhausted from a pandemic, a corrupt government, financial worry, a ratings driven for profit media, injustice and tragedies within broken systems of oppression kept alive by people in power that want us taking sides against our fellow humans, as the ugly underbelly of our society has been exposed. 

Don't let it distract you from your health and the importance of loving kindness.

If we unite peacefully they lose. 

Remember feelings aren't facts. There are a lot of wonderful people out there in our melting pot.

Take a time out, away from all the screens and learn to love yourself, and your neighbors. 

Nurturing ourselves is such a beautiful act of badass rebellion! Join the revolution and be good to you!

Take a walk, run, hike, bike ride. Write in a journal. Meditate. Pray. Do some yoga. Make a meal from scratch and slowly purposely taste and savor each bite. Take a bath. Read a paper book. Sing, craft, sew, knit, paint, draw, sculpt. Build something. Write a poem, start a blog, or a book. Pick up that instrument and play some music. Write a song. Plant a garden. Put your feet in the dirt and your face in the sun. Call someone and catch up. Go camping. Go to therapy. Breath. Digest. Rest. Be.