Finding My Voice In the Midst of Uncertainty and Embracing Badass Acts of Rebellion

It seems that a lot of us find ourselves taking in too many toxic spoonfuls of digital content.

Consuming without digesting, binging until we are blind and dizzy, especially when there's a learning curve. This can be very unhealthy and can leave us wrecked. 

I'm working my way towards a long term break from the interwebs. It's long overdue, for I am weary and weepy, and in need of some silence from all the noise, in order to process. 

For the good majority of my time here on this earth, there was so much noise in my own head and life that I couldn't see straight. I could not differentiate, or see my own mess, I couldn't advocate for myself, much less articulate or communicate, some days I couldn't even get out of bed. 

My life was falling apart around me even while I was healing, because I was bypassing the truth and going around it instead of through it. The anxiety and depression were deep and crippling, and did a lot of damage. Relationships fell apart, and people who I loved deeply gave up on me because I couldn't even tell them what was happening to me. 

Taking care of my mental health in a formal recognized way was long overdue. So last year, after over 20 years of trying to be strong, and do it myself, I found an amazing counselor, and started talk therapy. In addition to this I am extremely blessed, and very grateful to have a network of love, support, and help from my chosen tribe. 

Without recognizing the need to get help with my mental health, I would not have been able to turn down the noise enough. I have learned to put up boundaries, to articulately communicate, to advocate for myself, all in a non-violent method. The noise was too much and would have gotten even louder if I had not sought help. 

This was not without a lot of encouragement from someone I love deeply, pointing it out to me many times. It's painfully obvious to me now what I was doing, but then, it was just part of the noise. The noise is just a whisper most days now, but the aftermath still remains within my new beginnings. 

And my new beginnings really started to come into full fruition at the start of 2020. And we all know how that's been going. For me, this year it got a bit noisier and a little worse, but at the bottom of that, I found my voice, my truest self. The girl who stood up against injustice. She is now a strong and capable woman, but still a bit scared. She's learning, and eager for a break to dive in and digest it all. To clean up the aftermath of her past lives and move forward into something meaningful that makes a difference. This of course means digging even deeper, even more therapy, and a lot more really hard work, both mentally and physically.

2020 has been overwhelming to say the least. A shift into a scary uncertainty that has given many of us unrest and put us on edge. It's the perfect storm for fueling so much anger. All feelings are valid and we should become aware of them and look within to ask ourselves what they are, name them, then question the why behind them. Then if you are able, work to change those reactions, and turn it into thoughtful action to help change our world for the better. 

Are you slowing down enough to process what you are taking in, so that your brain, and spirit can catch up?

Compare digital consumption to food intake; how much is too much until it hurts your body? Would you have lowered immunity, be full of aches and pains, possibly be dehydrated, bloated with indigestion and inflammation, or even tumors, maybe having increased blood sugar, hypertension, or clogged arteries. Is it weighing you down? Similar damage can happen to our minds and spirits too, which is harmful for our mental health. 

Consider the trauma of eating for hours every day, taking in everything in site without taking a break. What are the consequences to our bodies? In what condition would it leave us? Just like the body, our psyche needs time to chew, to digest, to recognize what we are feeling, to heal, to rest, and replenish. 

A lot of what's available to us on the internet is just junk food that we are being spoon fed until we can't move. That's a toxic heaviness that no one should have to bear.

Quality of content: fast food vs whole foods. More nutrition less junk. It's that valuable lesson of learning to chew your food. We are churning around in the algorithm cesspool without making real human connections, and at the same time becoming disconnected from ourselves. 

Is it important that we keep learning? Yes.

Have good things come out of this year? Yes

Are there actually peaceful responsible people demonstrating for change? Yes.

Have the constitutional rights of peaceful demonstrators, and their helpers like journalists, and health aids been violated? Yes.

Have some people broken the law with violence and vandalism? Yes

Are there good police officers who truly help and want change? Yes. 

Are there corrupt police who have violated our rights up to and including murder? Yes

We are having knee jerk reactions without thoughts. Reposting and sharing without fact checking. As a whole our country is a toddler, and we are having temper tantrums and major growing pains right now. 

We are exhausted from a pandemic, a corrupt government, financial worry, a ratings driven for profit media, injustice and tragedies within broken systems of oppression kept alive by people in power that want us taking sides against our fellow humans, as the ugly underbelly of our society has been exposed. 

Don't let it distract you from your health and the importance of loving kindness.

If we unite peacefully they lose. 

Remember feelings aren't facts. There are a lot of wonderful people out there in our melting pot.

Take a time out, away from all the screens and learn to love yourself, and your neighbors. 

Nurturing ourselves is such a beautiful act of badass rebellion! Join the revolution and be good to you!

Take a walk, run, hike, bike ride. Write in a journal. Meditate. Pray. Do some yoga. Make a meal from scratch and slowly purposely taste and savor each bite. Take a bath. Read a paper book. Sing, craft, sew, knit, paint, draw, sculpt. Build something. Write a poem, start a blog, or a book. Pick up that instrument and play some music. Write a song. Plant a garden. Put your feet in the dirt and your face in the sun. Call someone and catch up. Go camping. Go to therapy. Breath. Digest. Rest. Be. 

Weigh-In Wednesday: Personal Perception VS Reality "It felt like I had gained weight"

Surprising things happen sometimes when you step on the scale. When you "feel" like you've gained weight but the scale then tells you that you've lost 2 pounds! Total weight released 7 pounds, woo hoo! A weight loss during Christmas week with a bit of overindulgence was a surprise. I am still stuffing my feelings with a bit too much food. I'm dealing with things one moment at a time and I am not giving myself a hard time or allowing feelings of guilt. Self-love and encouragement are a part of my practice that I continually come back around to and refocus on.

There have been many times over the years when I "felt" like I gained weight; I was convinced of it. This feeling is usually melancholy related, just generally feeling blue either from relationships or work not going quite how I expected and then my body image changing based on feelings that I am having. It's a work in progress some weeks I am on top of the world and I feel skinnier. Some of my "skinny feeling" weeks have shown a gain. It’s all perception. I continue working on me and not overthinking or anticipating things, control is mostly an illusion.

Issues of body image and self-confidence vs truth and reality. Not getting caught up in societal pressures of one size or shape fits all. I am working on breaking out of that mentality and remembering the truth and importance of real beauty. The energy that comes from a beautiful person how they make you feel and see things differently. It's not based on size or shape. The gorgeous energy and love that flows from people is just that and the package does not matter. Our health matters and that would be a good reason to eat a cleaner diet and get more physical activity.

I've taken 15 hot yoga classes in 24 days, plus been to 5 tango events. This is the most physically active month I've had in about 20 years. It is my intention to make a minimum of 3 yoga classes per week. I am still sad to be missing my favorite yoga studio, but I am happy that I chose somewhere to go. It was time to let go of the perfect idea of where to workout. Being stuck like that was holding me back. I was waiting for all circumstances to be ideal. It’s a bit of that magical thinking “if only it were like this then it would all fall into place”. Instead, work with what you’ve got and see the progress unfold that’s the real magic. Work through the stress, the tears and doubts and just go for it. Before you know a month will have gone by and you’ll be closer to reaching your goals. Heck just signing up and consistently showing up for a month was a huge goal maker for me.

Yoga is definitely helping, I've built muscle and feel stronger both mentally and physically. I have a place to get my stress out and leave it. I imagine the stress melting and permanently dissolving away. My arms and shoulders are stronger there are a lot of planks and downward facing dog salutations in the classes that I am taking. I can actually get into plank and feel strong and comfortable and do a push up or two. This is big for me, as my upper body has been so weak for so many years that I could barely manage a modified push up. I feel my muscles changing, tearing down and building up, it's exhausting but at the same time energizing and exciting. I've definitely have larger muscles in some areas while trimming down in other areas. I have less pain and inflammation in my joints, my eyes are more clear and bright and less baggy. The end of February will be approximately 3 months of consistent exercise and I am excited to see what the results will be by that time.

In the perception verses reality realm, I have also learned to look at myself in the mirror and in photographs and just love and accept me for exactly what I look like. This is a practice that must continue, as self-love leads you to reaching your other goals. It helps lessen self-sabotage and gets you out of your own way. Just keep showing up for you and be gentle with yourself, take it one moment at a time. Forgive yourself for slipups and let it go. Every minute is a chance to start fresh. <3 xo

Weigh-In Wednesday and 20 Class Yoga Celebration "challenge/boot camp"

Hello, it’s been a long time since I've used this blog. I've been privately blogging elsewhere in small groups until I was ready to come back. I'm back, thank you for reading.

My once a week 90 minute hot yoga class combined with tango and lunchtime walks was not cutting it for me anymore. Last week (the week after Thanksgiving) I had a gain of at least 2 pounds. The gain landed me at a net loss of 1 pound after 5 weeks of mostly clean eating and moderate exercise. I am under a lot of stress in all areas of my life right now. I needed something more. I needed something to shake it up, to silence my constant thoughts and to really get into shape for both my mental and physical health.

I love my Bikram yoga studio with all of my heart but it's a 40 minute drive one way without traffic and that is not sustainable as a place I can go regularly for exercise. So, on Saturday I took my husband's suggestion and signed up for the new student special at the yoga studio 8 minutes from both our house and work. They were on day 6 of a 20 day yoga challenge so I signed up for that too.

I set a goal to complete the 20 classes in 15 days. Yesterday was day 4 of 15 and class 4 of 20. I have a 2 pound loss for a total of 3 pounds released, my goal is 30 pounds. It feels like a boot camp each day breaks you down a little bit more but in a good way. My brain is much calmer, my body is exhausted, smaller, stronger and I am ready for more.

I could try to talk myself out of it, but I see the benefit of powering through an exercise class. Since my mind is much more quiet and organized I am getting more done in less time and I am sleeping like a log. I don't know if I will make it to all 20 classes by December 18th but I am certainly going to show up there a minimum of once per day until that time.

Get out there shake up your routine don't wait for the new year start now! Share some kindness, love and hug your people and be good to you. <3 xo

PS I am also still intending to fit in my regular Saturday yoga class, it has way more stretching and resting and I love it and crave it. We'll see what happens. :D 

Love Enjoy and Celebrate Things Rarely Go as Planned

Things rarely go as planned, love, enjoy and celebrate while you can. I just sent off my husband and mother in law 4 hours away to go to the memorial service for my sister in law, who recently died of breast cancer. My father in law and I are unable to attend as he fell ill with the flu and had to be admitted to the hospital on Friday night. So I stayed home to make sure things continue to go well for him. It is an emotional weekend. I was able to pack a mostly raw vegan road trip care package for them. I sent breakfast for my MIL, oatmeal with flax, apples, raisins, cinnamon, and a bit of coconut oil and pink salt, sweetened with fresh apple juice. A thermos of 1/2 caff coffee with wintry spices added to the brew and almond milk for the cooler with stevia to sweeten, A full 64oz pitcher of green fruit smoothie with chia, flax and maca. Some bananas, clementines, and kind bars and bottles of water. It is a joy and celebration for me to nourish them on their journey as they go to celebrate her life. She was vibrant and energetic with very little pain all the way up until her last few hours of life. I would have expected nothing less from her. She never stopped; always tirelessly taking care of our nephews and nieces and my husband's brother. Volunteering in her community and taking care of her self with mostly raw food and exercise. She fought nobly and left behind a legacy for her children. I wish she was still here and I could visit with her. Some of us no matter how hard we fight we lose the battle too young. Have hugs and visits with your loved ones, make eye contact and say kind words to people around you and celebrate and cherish each breath. Fuel and nourish your body with lovely whole food and exercise. Become awake and aware of your surroundings, take in nature and take quiet time to contemplate and be grateful for life! Even if you live to be 100 life is still too short and goes by too quickly! xoxo <3

What to Expect During and After Weight Loss

Figuring that there are those out there that are curious and those that can relate, here is my list of what my body went through or is still going through since losing 81 pounds. 

1. Extra Skin and Stretch Marks: Yep, they exist. First of all (and some days I don't believe this) so what! The stretch marks aren't so bad and they are like war wounds they show where you've been and what you have accomplished! The extra skin for me has very slowing been reabsorbing. A regular exercise routine helps loose skin to tighten up or shrink. Also a regular exfoliating and moisturizing routine will help. 
2. Smell Nicer Naturally: If you have changed your regular everyday food intake to a more plant based diet and stick to eating this way then you can expect less body odor and less bad breath! Yay bonus!! 
3. Detox: You can expect your skin and or body to detox several times. This will happen with hives, breakouts, lot's of nasal draining and nose blowing, and additional elimination in the bathroom. 
4. Healthier Skin & Eyes: Also with a mostly plant based diet expect your eyes to shine and your skin to soften and glow! 
5. Body Shape Changes: Your neck and shoulders have a shape to them again.You have a waist again. You can see and feel your ribs and hip bones. Your thighs don't rub together. You can see your belly button and feet. Sometimes when you walk by a mirror you don’t recognize yourself. 
6. Reduce or Eliminate Illness: In my case I had a myriad of aches and pains, allergies and respiratory issues, female issues, digestive issues and the majority of them cleared up by about 95% or better. 
7. Gravity it's a Love Hate Thing: Gravity will make you angry and mock you especially if you've been overweight for awhile and don't have a stringent exercise routine. Once again I say (most of the time) so what! I am the happiest and healthiest that I have ever been. It's not all about looks!! 
8. Pretty Feet Are Fun: At least some of your shoes will be too big, when you lose weight; your feet shrink too. More excuses for shopping, not like a girl ever needed one!! :) My heels really used to hurt but now they hardly hurt at all. You can easily reach your toes to do your own pedicure and paint them pretty colors. 
9. Healthier Hair: Your hair will be healthier, shinier, even the hairline is slightly different and some of my gray went away and was replaced with my regular color hair again! 
10. Stamina and Energy Increase: Stairs and hills get easier. You have more energy, better sleep and better concentration. 
11. FOR LADIES ONLY!!!: You can expect to buy smaller pads. Your underwear don't roll down. Your bra's and undies are much more pretty and comfy. Look forward to an easier menstrual cycle, for me this was less cramps, less mood swings and less tenderness; just generally an easier time of it. 
12. You Will Need Your Jeweler: Your rings will need to be re-sized. I still have not done this so I am wearing my wedding ring one finger up. I am also wearing my original wedding band from back in the day when I was this size the first time!! <3
13. Re-Size Eyewear: Your glasses and sunglasses will need to be re-sized mine were falling off of my face. 
14. Shopping In Your Own Closet: Everyday in your closet is a surprise! Your pants get longer. You get to wear a belt again without it hurting, itching or leaving marks. Actually you almost have to wear a belt or your pants will fall down. You get to put almost all of your clothes in the dryer instead of hanging them up or freaking out because you accidentally dried something. You get to wear things in your closet that you bought on sale or at the thrift store that you just knew you would fit into one day. You are surprised by the items of clothing that still fit you and realize you were majorly squeezing yourself into many things.
15. Second Hand Stores Are The Best: That's still my favorite shirt, skirt, pants, dress...but surely I can make it work for me now that I have lost weight. Well unless you are a seamstress with time then no. Your before weight loss clothes will look terrible. Just take it to the consignment or thrift store there are plenty of beautiful second hand clothes out there for little to nothing that will look just as good if not better. Thrift and consignment stores are my new favorite places to shop. Your new ever evolving wardrobe will be fabulous and so will you! You will look like a million bucks but you will only spend a few! 

Remember never feel guilty for some food you ate or exercise you missed. Life is short; and however much time you have left choose to make every moment the best that you can. Just keep going and with a positive approach you will keep healing and will never be the same.

I can honestly say sometimes with overwhelming happy tears and do say on many days now “I love my life!” 

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Can Healthier Food Choices and Weight Loss Eliminate Allergies?

Hello Everyone!

It's been several weeks since I did a check in with y'all!! Things are going great. What I would love to focus on today is some of my health that I have gained back as a result of my nutrition intake and weight loss. 

One of the main things I severely suffered from that got worse year after year since 1992 was environmental and food allergies. This year is my first full year to go through all of the seasons since I lost the weight. I am happy to report that my allergies are reduced by about 95% so far. I have not taken one pill over the counter or prescription since last May. I have only had to use my inhaler a handful of times. In the mornings and throughout the day I barely have to blow my nose enough to fill one tissue, in comparison for 20 years I've used enough Puffs with lotion to own a share in their company! I can't tell you how great it is to garden, go for walks, clean my house, and not have any allergy and/or asthma attack!  

Have a great day!! Any step forward is progress, anyone can do this! Go for it make yourself healthier and reach your goals!!! 

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